Marriage and Romance
The institution of marriage is surrounded by numerous myths, theories, and free advice. Unfortunately, relying heavily on myths and theories doesn’t help a marriage and possibly hinders its growth—making all that ‘free’ advice rather costly. Of course, there are valid, proven factors determined to make or break a marriage. But knowing what information rates as only myth and stories, helps break through various issues blocking the growth of a marriage. Marriage is hard out the box, and marriages are just as unique as the two people forming the couple. In the end, neither myth nor theory: it’s about communication and compromise. Learning to appreciate your spouse as well as your role in the marriage goes a long way.
The media in all its forms (television, radio, literature) is a key player in fueling many beliefs about marriage/relationships. A major challenge and risk is avoiding grouping men and women into certain respective stereotypes. In marriage, you’re one but you’re also two. Recognizing your partner as a unique individual with many positive and negative attributes, comes with understanding conflict will rear its head. Dispel with the myth conflict ruins marriages. Conflict is normal, natural, expected. If there’s never any conflict? Raise an eyebrow.
So what about the role of romance?
Believing romance is all you need to save a relationship is wonderfully optimistic, but not quite accurate. Flowers, chocolates, a date night, or porn may not cut it. If simple romance were enough to save a marriage, divorce rates would be practically nil. Romance has differing meanings to people, varying interpretations. This goes back to knowing the person you’re married to, as a person, and not as a stereotype. And yes, some equate sex with romance (and not just men).
A little romance to express true feelings of love for your spouse certainly enhances chemistry, the bond shared, and is good for a marriage. However, if using romance to buy time or solely to placate your spouse, well, then you’re only … buying time—that other shoe will drop. Applying ‘band aids’ of romance or romantic gestures doesn’t take the place of real reconciliation work, especially in cases where professional help is needed. It goes without saying (minimally), that a harmful marital relationship, whether physically, emotionally, or mentally, requires help from a professional
Send Me No Flowers
Book 1 of my series, Like Sweet Buttermilk, centers around marriage counseling (courtesy of Dr. Alexander), but romance is far from the problem (it’s complicated). Books 2 and 3 (Obscure Boundaries, Broken Benevolence) have different therapy focuses, but marital strife abounds; even basic gestures of romance won’t cut it—and aren’t even welcomed. But elements of romance do manage to touch the lives of my protagonists. My newsletter talks more about the ‘lack’ of romance impacting the couple in Obscure Boundaries.
It’s safe to say, even broken marriages survive, maintaining a state of ‘brokenness’ for decades, such that it becomes ‘normal’ for said couple. The romance quotient in these relationships is minimal if nonexistent, but married they stay. Romance, in and of itself, is key to happy marriages—but isn’t necessary for marriage in general.
