Signs of a Happy Sex Life

“… She doesn’t give play-by-play, but she shares enough. They’ve been married nearly twenty years, and just looking at them, you know it’s still on and poppin’ in their bedroom. But now, Kevin’s very good. Don’t get me wrong.”

–Naomi to Cecily, Broken Benevolence, Ch. 17 (Smoke & Mirrors)

Every once in a while, couples get curious about how their sex life compares to others’. It doesn’t take much to determine if your sex life is good, happy, and healthy. There are some common signs which often signal a happy and healthy sex life. Are things still ‘on and poppin’’ in your bedroom?

In Pursuit of (Sexual) Happiness

The following factors are good indicators sexual satisfaction still rules.

• Overall, your relationship is healthy. Couples working a healthy relationship communicate freely and often. They let their partner know when something is bothering them, when something isn’t working. There is a mutual understanding the relationship involves two fully committed individuals. Couples with happy, healthy sex lives maintain realistic expectations and don’t make demands of their partner.
• Experimentation takes place. Whether it’s position, toys, time, or place, experimenting with the sex you’re having is another sign the ‘on and poppin’’ status is steady. Now, no one is saying you have to pursue being prime porn stars, but experimentation can improve your sex life significantly. Again, experimentation takes different forms. It can be something as simple as having sex at a different time of the day, in a different part of the house, or extended foreplay sessions. Fantasies and fetishes are fun and okay, but only if both parties agree to them. Keeping that communication going, be sure to consult each other (and get consensus) before reaching for the kinky stars.
• No pressure. In some long-term relationships, sex ends up viewed as a chore. ‘Checking the (sex) box’ isn’t how it should be, and this approach tends to increase anxiety over it. Ideally, sex should be something desirous which both partners want, not considered a duty. If, generally, the sex is spontaneous, then cool. Sex because you both want it (or hell, sometimes need it), as opposed to because you ‘have to,’ enhances the pleasure factor.

Keeping Regular, Going ‘Abstract’

• Sex flows regularly. And ‘regular’ doesn’t mean some strict schedule but relates to frequency and casualness. It’s also subjective and relative to the couple. ‘Regular’ for one couple means something entirely different for another. For busy couples, long-time couples, older couples, it’s no secret: having an active sexual relationship sometimes proves difficult. With raising families, working, or managing health changes, sex often takes a backseat. But, if you don’t allow day-to-day responsibilities interference with having sex, you’re on the right track. Regardless of how busy you are, if you still create opportunities to ‘get some in,’ you have a healthy sex life. Because your sex just flows as a regular part of your relationship, you already know sex doesn’t have to be scheduled. Spontaneous sex does wonders for a relationship.
• Sex is more than the act. Sex goes beyond having intercourse. Building up to the ‘act’ and connecting during the come down afterward are also part of the ‘fun.’ An important component of having a healthy sex life is engaging in foreplay (and ‘after-play’). Foreplay involves something as simple as holding hands or giving a relaxing massage. Love notes, kind gestures, and doing something your partner may not expect are easy ways to hold your partner’s interest, both emotionally and physically. Couples with happy sex lives continue bits of romance long after a round of intercourse concludes.

If at least three of these factors applies to your relationship, chances are your sex life is solid. Keep up the good work. If not … get to work—on making things better.

On an SFPB Note …

In Like Sweet Buttermilk, the sex taking place is ingrained in the couple’s chemistry as a unit. In book 2, Obscure Boundaries, the couple’s lack of sex (at least with each other) reflects an extension of a bigger issue. And in book 3, Broken Benevolence, there’s bad sex happening (at least by one character’s definition), and then there’s instances of quite the opposite—by that same character’s definition. Book 4 (title TBD), too, has a sex mix as complicated as the characters’ lives.

In my SFPB newsletter, Tranquill at Twilight, I expound more on the sex in my novels. The stories focus on the perspectives of the characters’ responses to their therapy with Dr. Naomi Alexander. But characters are people, too: to whatever extent, they’re sexual beings. Too much sex, not enough sex, ‘bad’ sex, no sex: any of these might influence a character’s actions. As a fiction writer, including sex offers elements of realism. In my book series, I let sex in because sex is a natural part of life.

Talk Ain’t Cheap

But, back to a happy sex life. Now, even if you have a good sex life, remember: things may change. Over time, as routines shift and re-establish in different ways, it may be easier for sex to impact your relationship negatively. Continue those good habits of open/honest communication with your partner (especially discussions where sex and their needs are concerned). Also, do away with stereotypes: women want it, too—it’s not just a ‘man thang.’ Facing any ‘bedroom’ challenges together with frank discussion, goes a long way toward keeping things ‘on and poppin’.’