Living with an Alcoholic

The struggle of alcoholism is real, but those living with an alcoholic suffer (and struggle), too. Loved ones of an alcoholic don’t have to go it alone, however. Living with an alcoholic is filled with angst, anger, sometimes apathy. Support groups and supportive family and friends are resources for discussing what you’re going through. It’s important that you aren’t alone in what you are living with. There’s likely worry (and embarrassment) others will feel differently about the person. Possibly. Then again, it’s likely the alcoholic in your life doesn’t care what anyone is thinking about him/her.

Should you decide against joining a support group, you should still have someone to talk to, confide in. It’s highly probable other family and friends already know there’s a problem. Some may be understanding, while others may be more cynical and critical. If you have a family member who’s a mix (trustworthy, understanding yet cynical/critical), that may work best. Cynical/critical isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Friends or Family?

One option: talk to a trusted family member about it; someone who will keep things private. A trusted family member knows more about the ‘inner workings’ and can offer useful advice and support. Share what you’re going through. It isn’t unusual for family members to be in as much denial as the alcoholic. But if you’re seeking an outlet, you aren’t in denial; it’s important to let someone know what’s happening.

Another option: confide in a close friend. Many times friends see things you can’t. Sometimes they’ve already picked up on it but didn’t want to say anything—until you brought it up. Alcoholism is more common than many think. Perhaps they can relate on some level. And, there are no guarantees, even with family, but if you do confide in a friend, do your best to lock down any gossiping (which could make matters worse).

Don’t think one-sided on this. There’s venting potential in talking with the alcoholic’s friends and family, too. But only if you feel they’d care about the situation. This is a touchy area, obviously; most families don’t want to admit their family member has a drinking problem. If you can find even one friend or family member from the ‘other’ camp, enlist their help and support. Their assistance, by talking to the alcoholic when you aren’t around, is invaluable.

You Gotta Be You

Living with an alcoholic is never cut and dried. Some relationships with alcoholics take on many dynamics, from co-dependency to hostile transference to degrees of victimization. Unfortunately, these relationships exist this way for years.

Professional counseling is recommended for anyone struggling with life with an alcoholic, but many prefer not to go that route. However private you are, it’s important you don’t suffer in silence, keeping everything inside.

You need family and friends supporting you if you decide to continue living with an alcoholic. Without professional help, this support is crucial to your mental health. If the things turn abusive when the person is drinking, someone needs to know what’s going on in your home. It’s always ideal to talk to a support group, but for whatever reason, that might not be an option for you. In any event, use family and friends to get away awhile, breathe easier for a day or three. Whether it’s one friend/family member or more is under your control.

Watershed Moments

Be open and honest. Clearly, things aren’t good; explain this and ask for suggestions. It’s oftentimes easier to hide behind the scenes and not say anything. As mentioned, this approach is detrimental to both you and your alcoholic loved one. Anything can happen in these relationships. Even if you think nothing could ever happen, be wary. Someone with a long-term drinking problem doesn’t always think rationally or even remember the things they do.

Asking friends or family to intervene on your behalf can be tricky. Such a move sometimes results in additional friction, so tread carefully. However, if they have a good history with the alcoholic loved one and there is mutual respect, there’s opportunity for a positive outcome. Living with an alcoholic isn’t easy and mistakes are likely, so learn from them. Bottom line: in getting help for your loved one, getting help for yourself is vital. 

The central character in my book series, Dr. Naomi Alexander, would be considered a functioning alcoholic.